Father

"Father" ~ by dark cyradis

Prologue

"Tomorrow's Father's Day on Assiah," Kira said, alighting and retracting his magnificent ebony wings as he sat down beside me in one fluid motion.
"Yeah, so?" I asked, offering him a cigarette. He took one-which magically lighted itself in his hands- and stuck it in his mouth. I watched him take a short puff. It's still a little strange to see him in all that angel get-up. But, hey, Kira is Kira. "Well..." he paused and glanced at me scrutinizingly. I tried to look unaffected. "What would you get for a father to show that you care?"
I swallowed a lump that was rising in my throat and plastered a big smirk on my face. Surprisingly enough, he seemed to be fidgeting. Heh, it was kind of amusing to see him squirm 'cuz usually, it's him giving me advice. But I guess there are some things that even high and mighty angels need help with. I couldn't resist making him squirm a bit more.
"What, you're not going to get Kira-oji-san a Father's Day present, are you?" I grinned.
"It was a request from Sakuya," he replied automatically.
"Suuuuure."
"So, what would you get your father?" he interrupted, heading off my teasing. I stopped grinning.
"Nothing," I said, trying to sound nonchalant, and turned my face away from his eyes. He has this way of staring at me when I'm lying.
After a moment of silence, he said slowly, "I know you wouldn't have... on earth. But... if you had someone to give a gift to, what would it be?"
Yeah, he knows how I feel about the word 'father.' It's been a strange trip with that. Normally, I wouldn't have even considered buying a Father's Day present. But now... I wonder how he knows I've been pondering the same thing for a couple of days.
"Cookies," I replied.
"Cookies?" He looked very uncharacteristically puzzled.
I shrugged. "Yeah, cookies. I mean, everyone likes to eat them, and if you get just the right kind of cookies that your dad likes, it means you think about him. That's what you want to say on Father's Day, right?"
He stared at me and then slowly shook his head, grinning ruefully. "Trust you to surprise me with an answer like that," he muttered with a grin. "So what kind of cookies should I get? Are they particular to a person?"
"Well... all cookies are good. But I'd say, for a rugged dad, something with nuts and chunks of chocolate in it. For an intellectual type, I'd say snicker doodles, because they're uncomplicated but zesty. And, for a... say, emotional person... someone who cares deeply about his loved ones and tries his best to help and protect them ... I'd say oatmeal raisin, 'cuz it's a soft, mushy kind of cookie."
Kira was looking a bit strangely at me. Well, I don't blame him-most people don't analyze a person's feelings by the sort of cookie he eats. But, as usual, he totally surprised me with the next words that came out of his mouth.
"Who would be an 'emotional' type? I don't quite understand."
I was more or less expecting a, "You are the strangest person I've ever met, Katou," or something, but that caught me a tad off guard. So I said the person's name that I'd been thinking about for the past few days. "Uriel."
Kira raised an eyebrow. "Really." It looked like he smiled just a tiny bit. "Thank you," he said, standing. "I'd better go get some cookies, then." As he turned to leave, he said, "Do you want me to pick any up for you?"
I looked up in surprise. "Well, I'm not much of a cookie-eater myself."
"All right then," he said, and flew off.
"Although," I muttered to myself. "I could give you the address of this nice little cookie joint that I've been looking into because I was thinking of buying some cookies today, myself." I sighed and grinned ruefully. "But I'm so damn indecisive, I don't know what to do about Father's Day." I'd never really had to worry about it before. But this year...
"Fathers, huh?" I muttered to myself.

"I gave him the name 'Yue' because I wanted him to be delicate, to die easily."

Hn.
Strange, isn't it? Words, spoken so easily, so coldly, make such an impact. My father said these words. Or can I really call him 'Father?' He was the man that was married to my mother... the one who made money for my family to live on. But is that all that a father is?
That's what it seems like in this society. This society. Where everything is based on appearance and conformity. Everyone like everyone else. Hn. I don't buy it! I don't buy into this conformity crap at all! I'm not another pathetic lemming like the others!
...That's what I'd like to say. But it's not true, not really. I wanted to be just like everyone else; it wasn't by choice that I didn't have a normal life, a normal family, normal feelings, normal problems. It wasn't my choice to become the pathetic teenage outcast that ran away from everything in life. I knew, knew that this wasn't how I wanted to live my life. I regretted that life so much when I died, when I knew that nothing would be left of me. Not any legacy at all; probably no one, even, to mourn for me. Not really. Kira...
But I ran away again from all that; I blamed my pathetic life on my 'father.' That man, whom I wanted so badly to love me, to accept me, or at least to acknowledge my existence, my connection to him. Of course, later I found out that even that connection didn't exist. But... he was the only father I had during my life. He was definitely, definitely wrong to beat me so much, to take his revenge and jealousy of my mother's lover out on me. But still... even up to the end, if he had turned an eye to me... if he had offered a kind word... I think I would have lapped it up. Yes, that's how pathetic I am, how desperate. I wanted help-wanted love-and would have swallowed my pride to get it. But that word never came. My heart hardened. I floundered deeper into my despair. I didn't find that love until much later. But it wasn't from him, not from my 'father.' The only thing he ever gave me was a name... and a wounded heart.

It's a phenomenon that occurs with adopted or orphaned children... after awhile, the knowing is just too much. However removed your biological parents are from you, you think about them, wonder about them. I knew my biological mother, of course. She was good to me, in whatever little ways she could be. But it was hard for her with her husband's wrath surrounding her. She was a weak woman. But that doesn't matter now, I guess.
I don't even know his name. But I would recognize him anywhere, because he gave me his face. That face that has caused me so much pain, so much misery. That face that made my supposed 'father' clench his fist every time he saw me. That face that sickened me. That face that I'll see every time I look in the mirror.
I dyed my hair blonde and grew it out. Wore ostentatious clothes to look different. Anything to look less like that man. That cold, cruel person who ruined my life before it even began, and then didn't bother to look back when he abandoned me forever. He didn't ever come to see me, or write me letters, or send me presents. Didn't ever ask about me, or if he did, didn't care to come save me from my mother's husband. He didn't even come back so that I could at least have the satisfaction of spitting in his face.
That man, whose blood ran through my veins, whose face I have... he is more a stranger to me even than the cruel man that I longed to call Father as a child. I can't call either of them "father."

III

Fate's a weird thing. I never really believed in that Wheel of Fortune crap about luck changing because my entire life was more or less miserable. What good things ever happened to me in my life? I was born... I guess that's good. ...And I met Kira. But for the most part, life was one long bad-luck streak for me.
Then I died.
Strange as it sounds, that's when my luck started changing. Sure, my adventures after death were... less than pleasant at times. But it was then that I found all the things that I had lacked in life; ironically, all the things that are worth living for. For the first time, I found real friendship, and I discovered that I could change, that I did have it in me to care. They did that... that kid, Mudou, and Kira, too. And... Uriel.
By the time I died, I had more or less given up the idea that I'd ever have that warm, fuzzy sort of relationship that other kids have with a supportive adult (parents, teacher, whatever... I'd completely closed my heart off in life). My mother tried to support me, but she could never get passed her husband. My sister, Sae... she did care about me in her own way, but she was too simple to understand, to guide me. And you know how it was with my father(s). So, needless to say, I totally wasn't expecting that guy in black, or what he would do to my heart. He seemed so distant, untouchable. His power, his century-spanning knowledge, his incredible grief... he seemed so unapproachable. But when he spoke to me, when his solemn green eyes looked warmly upon me, I felt a warmth that I'd never known before. He was with me when I woke up, when Mudou brought me up out of my prison of memories. He was there to catch me when I thought I would die alone, forgotten, in Enra-ou's realm. He gave me a new body, took care of me-me. Not just a spirit, not just a dependent, but me. He supported me, taught me, protected me, became the guide I'd never had before. For the first time, I didn't have to watch my own back. If I slipped, he caught my arm and held me steady. When I realized that he wouldn't abandon me, my heart felt so light. I felt... safe. Sappy as it sounds, his actions mean a lot to me. Hn. But I'm such a stubborn guy... I wonder if I'll ever be able tell him 'thank you.' Cookies, hn. I don't even have the nerve to do that.

Epilogue

"Well," Kira said, taking a puff of his cigarette. "There are other ways of letting Uriel know besides telling him straight out."
I think I jumped about five feet into the air and landed hard on my backside. You'd think with all the stupid feathers he drops when he flaps around, I'd notice when he's sneaking up on me.
"Geez! You jerk-off!" I climbed painfully back onto the low-hanging limb I'd been sitting on, rubbing my soar rear. After I'd settled, what he'd said began to sink in. I looked at him warily. Geez, don't tell me I think out loud now! "And just what the hell am I supposed to be telling Uri straight out, eh?"
Kira gave me a smug, meaningful grin. Then he pulled two small, carefully-wrapped packages out of his jacket pocket and handed me one. "I told you before, Katou. You never were any good at lying."
Before I could open my mouth to retort, he hopped off the branch. "Thought you might want it, so I picked it up when I got this one." He gestured to the one he still held in his hand. "I've got to go drop this off before the sun goes down on Tokyo on Assiah. It would be difficult to sneak into the house when he's home without being seen." He gave me a fleeting grin and disappeared in a flutter of black feathers.
I watched the feathers float to the ground. It's a little scary how well he knows me. I sniffed the package he'd handed me. Oatmeal raisin. Perfect.
I dug around in my pockets until I found a pen, and wrote, as neatly as I could, three little words that have nothing and everything to do with the words, "I love you."